A Nightmare on February 14th
by ThePet
Summary: Carson? McKay and I are heading down to you. Rodney did it again..." When Sheppard finds an Ancient device that McKay can't resist trying out for himself, mayhem ensues. Part 2 up!
1. Default Chapter

A/N A little fic for Valentine's Day, dedicated to the good folks of the McShep slash archive at Yahoo -) Warnings - multiple pairings both slash and het, silly comedy, nothing explicit by any stretch of the imagination. Please R and R!

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"I brought you a present," said Major John Sheppard, with a slightly mocking, lopsided smile, as he held out a small box to Dr. McKay.

"What is it?" McKay, suspicious, made no move to take it. He kept an eye on the item as he poked at something that vaguely resembled a lamb cutlet on his plate.

"A little something I found during the last recon trip. I thought you might like it. After all, it _is_ Valentine's Day tomorrow…"

"I didn't know you cared, Major." McKay's tone dripped with sarcasm, but he took the box and made to open it. He was obviously interested in its contents; it took a lot to make the scientist put down his knife and fork at mealtimes.

"Er…it came gift-wrapped? Did the Ancients do that often?" Ford, who was sitting with them in the mess, flashed his warm grin at Sheppard.

"Good point," McKay froze in the process of opening his 'present'. "Is this thing booby-trapped?"

"Would I do that?" Sheppard put on his most innocent expression, scandalised. Sitting across from him, Teyla raised her eyebrows in amusement. She had been told of the Earth tradition of giving gifts and cards to those one was attracted to romantically on a certain day of the year, but was relatively sure that the Major did not harbour any such feelings for Dr. McKay.

His curiosity getting the better of him, McKay finally opened the box, keeping a sharp eye on Sheppard all the time. When no rubber snakes or itching powder appeared, and nothing exploded, the scientist turned his attention to the small and delicate object he had withdrawn from its protective casing.

"What exactly is this?" he wondered, gazing at it in fascination. It looked like a locket of some sort, though it didn't appear to open; a gold-coloured oval of metal, on a long, slim chain.

"You gave McKay a necklace? Cute, sir…" Ford tailed off, smirking. Sheppard winked at him.

"Don't ask, and I won't tell."

McKay scowled at them both. "Please! This isn't a necklace, it's a piece of Ancient technology, it's probably…"

"I'm sure it'll look lovely on you, Doc," Ford snickered. McKay rolled his eyes and turned to Teyla for support.

"Will you please tell these two buffoons to act their ages?"

Teyla smiled at him.

"I am sure that if Major Sheppard had truly intended the gift as a bribe for your favours, Doctor, he would not have given it to you in public, over lunch."

McKay sighed. "The day you fall in with their juvenile humour, Teyla, is the day I truly despair of humanity. It seems that day has come, so I'm going to leave you clowns to it and take this to the lab," he waved the necklace at Sheppard, "and find out what it does. I'd like you to come as well, Major."

"Generous of you, Rodney," murmured Sheppard, winking at the others. McKay grunted and got up.

"Pathetic…" he muttered, heading for the door. Sheppard grinned and followed, leaving Ford and Teyla together at the table, laughing quietly.

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"Are you sure this is a good idea? After the incident with the personal shield and all…"

Sheppard was perched on one of the lab benches, squashing a number of delicate instruments beneath his weight.

"How else are we going to find out what it does? It hasn't responded to any interactions or tests so far, obviously the only way to make it work is to actually use it. What harm can it do? It's just a necklace…and would you please get your ass away from that electron microscope?"

"Rodney, the microscope's at the other end of the bench. Now, my ass isn't that big."

"Are you saying I have a fat ass, Major?"

"I didn't say anything about it."

"I heard the stress you put on the 'my'. You were implying that I have an unusually large backside. Well at least I've got more meat on me than a stick insect addicted to emetics."

"I've changed my mind. I think you putting on an Ancient necklace when it might potentially make your head explode it a wonderful idea," Sheppard tilted his head and gave the wry, mocking smile that invariably induced a glare of disgust from McKay. The scientist had spent the last four hours subjecting the device Sheppard had found to myriad tests, with no result. It responded to neither of their touches, remained inert no matter what they did to it, and it seemed clear that the only way they were going to identify it was for one of them to try it on.

Sheppard had been McKay's first choice for a test subject, naturally, but the Major had insisted that, as chief scientist of the expedition, and the most qualified in pretty much _everything_, it was McKay's responsibility – nay, _privilege – _to be the first person to interact with any Ancient (or indeed alien) technology they encountered.

"You're just scared of the thing, aren't you?" McKay had sniffed, but his ego had been satisfactorily massaged and his sense of curiosity was already so aroused that he'd more or less decided to try the device himself anyway.

"Maybe we should consult with Weir and maybe Beckett first," Sheppard suggested, mildly, shifting his weight – something that felt like a scalpel was digging into his leg.

"They'll only tell us not to do it," McKay pointed out, already picking up the necklace and beginning to drop it over his head.

"Uh, Rodney…"

Too late; the scientist was already wearing it. At first it didn't appear to be doing anything…and then a sharp flash of deep red light engulfed it, and subsequently, McKay.

"…that's probably why we should've talked to Weir," Sheppard finished, as the light faded, leaving McKay standing stunned but apparently unharmed. "You okay?"

"Um…yeah, I think so." The scientist stared down at the necklace. It was still glowing faintly, but as he watched, the colour ebbed out and the device seemed to become inert again.

"What did it do?" Sheppard asked, easing himself off the bench and lifting the locket where it lay on McKay's chest.

"No idea. Nothing that I noticed, apart from the fireworks. Maybe it's just a very dramatic and ostentatious piece of jewellery?"

"All the same," Sheppard replied dryly, "you should probably take it off now."

McKay nodded, reached for the chain, lifted it. It slipped over his head, the silver colour looking a little scorched. The locket, however, did not come with it.

"Um…Major? A little help here?"

Sheppard examined the locket. "I hate to say this, Rodney…"

"What? What?" McKay fidgeted in alarm, pulling away from Sheppard. "What's wrong?"

"Well…I may be mistaken here, but…it looks like the locket part is sort of welded onto your flesh."

"It's what to my what? Oh, my God." McKay looked, and felt, for himself. Sheppard was right. The piece of metal was fixed to his chest, right over his heart. It seemed to have burned right through his shirt, and stuck there.

"Doesn't it hurt?" Sheppard wondered. "It looks as though it burned right into your body."

"You had to say that. No, it doesn't hurt. Maybe I'm in shock. That's it. I think I'm starting to lose the feeling in my …ow! Oh, no, there it is."

"Rodney, calm down. Let's just get you to the infirmary, see if Beckett can do something about this." The Major activated his radio. "Carson? McKay and I are heading down to you. Rodney did it again…"

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Mr Wembly, it happened again... ;-)


	2. 2

A/N Thanks for your reviews of the first part! This is the even sillier, second chapter... -)

"How did you manage that?" Dr. Carson Beckett prodded in fascination at the metal locket-shaped device apparently embedded in McKay's flesh.

"It was an accident," the scientist muttered, glaring at Sheppard as if to dare him to contradict. "Just take it off!"

"'Out' you mean," Beckett sighed. "It'll involve surgery."

McKay looked unhappy. "You couldn't just…I dunno…get a shoehorn under it or something? It doesn't look that fixed…ow!"

"Probably best not to do that," Sheppard pointed out. McKay had attempted to pull the locket from his chest, and the attempt had left him flushed with frustration and pain.

"Let's have a proper look," Beckett said. He conducted a swift examination, an increasingly disturbed expression on his face. Eventually he said, "Okay…we'll need to do an X-ray."

"X-ray? You mean you can't tell what the problem is here?" McKay snapped, gesturing emphatically to his undesired accessory.

"It warrants further examination, that's for sure."

The test was conducted swiftly enough. Beckett came back with the results as McKay replaced his shirt, shooting a glance at Sheppard to make sure the Major was looking in the other direction, as previously instructed, although he'd said firmly that he had no interest whatsoever in seeing Rodney half-naked.

"Right, well…d'you want the good news, or the bad news?"

"Um…" McKay jiggled his foot nervously. "The good news, I think."

"The good news is that you've made medical history."

"Oh. Goody."

"The bad news…"

"How long?"

"I'm sorry?"

"How long do I have?" McKay asked. His attempt to sound cool and cavalier about his impending doom was thwarted by the slight wobbling of his lower lip.

Beckett said evenly, "Well…I'd say maybe as little as fifty or sixty years, Rodney."

"What? Oh…"

The Scot rolled his eyes; Sheppard smirked.

"See? You're going to be just fine."

"Shut up, Major." McKay turned back to Beckett. "So, Carson…the bad news?"

The medic looked uncomfortable. He shifted from foot to foot, glanced unhappily at Sheppard.

"Hey, patient is over here. He's just a potential organ donor if and when that becomes necessary. Talk to me, Carson."

"It's a wee bit difficult to explain…that is, it's not a complicated situation, just…very, very strange."

"Strange, how?"

"Well…you know that whatever that thing is seems to have welded itself into your flesh?"

"Yes…"

"It's actually attached itself to your heart."

"It's…it's done what, now?"

McKay sank down onto one of the infirmary beds, hands pressed against his chest.

"Oh, my God. This is bad."

"Now, don't panic. It doesn't seem to be doing any harm there."

"Not doing harm? Are you insane? I have an Ancient device that we don't know what it does stuck to an extremely vital organ, doing God knows what whacky and freaky things to me. It could be pumping weird crap around my system as we speak. And yes, I realise how ungrammatical most of that was. I think in the current circumstances good phraseology can go hang."

"Take it easy…" Sheppard suggested, soothingly. "This could be worse."

"You take it easy! And just in what way could this possibly be worse, Major?"

"Well," Sheppard shrugged, "that thing might've attached itself to an even more vital organ. Y'know, one you use a lot."

"I resent the implication of that. I also resent you talking about my private parts in public."

"I mean your brain, McKay!"

"In that case," Rodney sniffed, "I resent your insinuations about my sex life. Which, I'll have you know, is my business. But in case you were wondering, I have an extremely fulfilling, you might even say rampant…"

"Too much information!" Sheppard growled. Beckett nodded vigorously in agreement, looking pained.

"The question is," Sheppard said firmly, shooting a quelling glare at McKay, "what're we going to do about it?"

"You mean, what am I going to do about it?" Beckett observed, wearily.

"Yes, precisely." McKay hopped off the infirmary bed. "If you don't need me for anything else, I'm going back to work. Where's my…oh, thanks."

A nurse had come in with Rodney's jacket. He took it and pulled it self-consciously around himself, covering the locket.

"Hey…" Sheppard pulled the jacket open again. "Look! It's glowing."

The device was indeed pulsing with a soft red glow.

"Wow," the Major mused, "hey, if you wear the personal shield as well, you'll look like a Christmas tree."

"Wonderful! So I'll fix a fairy to my head, cover myself in lights, stick a battery up my ass, and sing 'Angels, From the Realms of Glory'. It'll be great fun for the Christmas party!" Snapped McKay. "Carson, what's it doing?"

Beckett hurried to examine him. After a few minutes of intense concentration, he looked up.

"Well…it's pulsing, and glowing red," the Scot replied.

"Well, thank you, Hippocrates," McKay sighed, frustrated.

"It's clearly doing _something_. I'd like to take some blood…"

"If you want any other fluids, tell the Major to leave first."

"That's…very generous, Rodney, but blood will do. Roll up your sleeve."

McKay twitched a little and turned pale when Beckett extracted three vials of blood from him, but otherwise took it like a man, only saying, "Ow," very quietly.

"I'll run these through as quickly as possible," Beckett told the scientist. "You'd better stay here."

"No way. I don't have time to sit around while you prod at me with medical instruments. I'm going back to work. Call me when you get the test results, okay?"

Beckett hesitated, then shrugged. After all there was nothing else he could do at the moment, and work would keep McKay from panicking too much about his weird new attachment.

"Off with ye, then," the doctor said, unable to keep the concern out of his voice. Fortunately McKay didn't appear to notice it. He nodded at Sheppard.

"Major – I'm going to try to figure out what this thing does. If any inscriptions or anything came with it…"

"I'd have mentioned that by now, Rodney," Sheppard pointed out dryly.

"Maybe. Or maybe you're enjoying watching me suffer. Maybe this is all still a prank on your part."

"Would I do that to you?"

"Would you?"

"Of course not. Weir wouldn't like it. I'd get into trouble," he added, sadly.

"Hmph," was the only response to that, and McKay made it. They left the infirmary together, still bickering, McKay's attachment still pulsing and glowing. To their surprise the pretty nurse who had brought Rodney's jacket trotted out after them.

"I hope you get better soon," she told McKay, with apparent sincerity.

"Um…thanks," Rodney replied, looking surprised. The nurse gazed at him for a moment, then reached out and ran a slim, delicate hand lightly over his arm. "Take care," she murmured.

"Er…right, right, yes, thanks. You too."

She went back inside. McKay looked extremely smug as he and the Major resumed walking.

"I always thought she had a thing for me."

"Working for Beckett has obviously driven her crazy. Do you even know her name?"

"No," McKay cocked his head in confusion, as though not seeing how this could possibly matter.

"Would you?" Sheppard asked, casually.

"Oh, sure. Even if she isn't a natural blonde, I mean, we're not exactly a massive population here, and people are already pairing off, fewer and fewer chances to get s…hi, Teyla."

The Athosian had rounded a corner and almost walked into McKay. Her pleasant smile of greeting faded into a frown of confusion as her gaze fell, and fixed, on the glowing object sunk in the scientist's chest.

"Rodney had a little problem with that Ancient device," Sheppard told her.

"I…I see," Teyla didn't appear to be listening. Her gaze had wandered; her eyes travelled up from McKay's chest, over his upper arms, and lingered.

"You have extremely attractive shoulders," she told the bemused scientist.

McKay opened his mouth, but no sound came out, a remarkable thing in itself. Teyla let her fingers trail across his chest, and smiled, seductively.

"I will be in my quarters all afternoon," she told him, "should you desire to discuss your…problem. I would be very willing to listen."

"…thanks…" Rodney half-whispered. Teyla smiled again and actually _sashayed _off down the corridor.

McKay, a dazed expression on his face, turned to Sheppard.

"Star Wars moment."

"As in, 'I'm having a bad feeling about this?'"

"Precisely."


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